TCF Rogue Valley Chapter ~ Reading Room

Healing through the Holidays

By Carol Clum, TCF, Medford, OR

I read somewhere that it generally takes 18-24 months just to stabilize after the death of a family member. While moving through those initial months, the bereaved will encounter birthdays, anniversaries, and other special days that magnify their loss. Is it any wonder that many families look ahead with fear to holidays filled with sadness, anger and confusion?

Holidays mark the passing of time and intensify our knowledge of what we have lost. There's an expectation that everyone should be happy. In reality, from one day to the next, grieving people don't know how they will feel.

While pouring over resources to prepare for writing this article, I found similarities in much of what I read. Most of the material touches in various ways on the following points.

The day itself may not be as difficult as the days leading up to, or following it. A holiday is NOT just another day. It may be impossible to ignore the festivities outside your door.
Do try to make a simple holiday plan for yourself and your family, then inform others of your plan. Should grief ambush your plans, be prepared to honor any feelings that may surface.
Allow your plan to be flexible according to your family needs.
Whatever your plan, do include your absent child(ren), whether privately or as a family group.

When it came time to begin writing at my computer, I knew I wanted to focus on the four points outlined above. As often happens, my own experiences immediately came to mind. I work for a corporation whose very existence is made possible through commercialization of the holidays. Each day as I power up my computer, I receive a brutal reminder. Today, it read "You have only 76 shopping days until Christmas." The countdown continues, until December 26th when my electronic friend comes full circle to cheerfully announce I now have only 365 shopping days until Christmas! My coping technique is simple and direct--I leave my desk during the five-minute warm up. No doubt you are learning to cope with your own personal nightmares. As you do this, keep in mind there is no right or wrong way to endure grief. I hope that as you read the suggestions below, you will follow your heart and try one or none at all.

Most importantly, I've learned that a ritual does not require group participation. A family member may wish to practice a private remembrance and should receive family support and encouragement. After reading the suggestions, should you have one of your own to share, please consider sending it to our editor so that others can benefit by your experience.

Plan ahead

If you are up to it, make a list of the bits and pieces that have traditionally made up your holidays. As a group, or individually, ask yourself and other family members, would the holiday be the same without it? Is it something you want to do differently? Do you do this out of habit, choice, or obligation? Do you like doing it? Can someone else do it?

For those things you decide to do, make a plan. Send out a few cards each day. Prepare a shopping list so that it is ready when you have a 'good' day. Cook and bake only when it makes you feel good. Compromise so that everyone gets a little of what they want and need.
Being alone doesn't necessarily mean being lonely. If you know in advance that you don't want to be alone, plan not to be. If you prefer to be alone, take advantage of the time. Write letters, read, or call a friend who may also be alone. on't cut yourself off from the support of family and friends.
Inform others. Your friends and relatives will honor your decisions, but they need to know what they are.
Don't forget to make some plans for after New Year's Day. The time before and after the holidays are sometimes most difficult.
If you absolutely can't plan what you want to do, plan what you don't want to do.
If you decide to make changes, here are a few suggestions:
- Eat in a different room or buffet style. Ask for help with cooking. Have a picnic. Eat out!
- If you always cut your own tree, consider buying one from a lot. Plant a living tree. If you decide to decorate, consider asking children, relatives or people from church to help.
- Open holiday gifts at a different time. Shop by catalog or give gift certificates. Give homemade gifts. Limit gift giving. Stay on a budget!
- Decide how to answer "Happy Holidays." You might say "I'll try" or "Best wishes to you," or "May you have a peaceful day."

Be flexible

Recognize that this holiday is unlike holidays past. There is no way it is ever going to be the same. To plan a holiday exactly as it has been for twenty years may be comforting for some families, but traumatic for others. Consider lowering your expectations.

If tears and sadness visit you, let both come and go. Resisting your true feelings may set you up for a huge letdown following the holidays. Find healthy ways for everyone to acknowledge their grief. Ask a trusted friend to help you clarify your thoughts and feelings.
If you have surviving children and they want a tree but you can't bear the thought, put the tree in the child(ren)'s room and let them decorate it. Open gifts in their room.
Remember, Halloween, Valentine's Day and Fourth of July are holidays too. These may not have much meaning for some, but may hold strong memories for you.
Be tentative in accepting and extending invitations. Find a gracious way to inform your host that while you would love to attend, you hope it is okay to bow out at the last minute, for your own wellbeing.

Self care

Pat Akery once wrote, "There is nothing selfish about self care." Be kind and patient with yourself and others. As you struggle with your feelings during holidays, remember that your struggle is a normal part of coping. While some feel anger, guilt or intense pain, others may have no feelings at all. This is also normal. Enjoy what you can without guilt. Healing does not mean forgetting. Here are a few basic self-care tips.

Get sufficient rest. Feelings of loss cause fatigue and fatigue can lead to depression. Take some quiet time to be aware of your feelings. Ask for help when you need it. Just how CLEAN does the house need to be?
Drink juice, not alcohol and caffeinated drinks that increase bodily stress, negative feelings and depression. Sugar provides quick energy followed by a sharp decline as the body processes it.
Exercise. If possible, spend time surrounded by nature. Remember to breathe long, slow breaths to signal your body that you want peace.
Don't forget that physical and emotional grief is felt by both adults and children alike. Assure other family members that it's okay to feel excited and sad simultaneously.
Find persons who encourage you to accept your feelings--both happy and sad.

Remember and reinvest

Do something symbolic to include your absent child and/or children in the holidays.
Decorate with butterflies in remembrance and hope.
Light a candle or choose a single flower to quietly signal your loved ones presence. Cook your loved one's favorite Thanksgiving or Hanukah dish.
Hang a stocking or wrap a gift box for your absent child(ren). Invite family and friends to tuck memories, notes or prayers inside. Tuck notes inside clear glass ornaments and hang in a special place.
Engage in spiritual activities that are a comfort to you.
Spend time with the family album, sharing stories of your child(ren). To recall fond memories through tears is a special gift that you can give to yourself.
Give a gift or money in memory of your loved ones. If you can bear to part with mementos, make them treasured gifts to siblings, grandparents or your child's friends. Buy something for yourself or your family that your loved one would have wanted you to enjoy.
Volunteer to serve Thanksgiving dinner to the homeless or shut-ins.
Baby-sit for neighborhood children on New Year's Eve or while parents shop.
Give meaning to your loss by helping others. We receive as much as or more than we give. Accept help from others so that they to can experience healing.
Do someone a favor. Renew an old friendship. Keep in touch with other TCF members.